Big girls don't cry.

I miss a lot of things.

I was having lunch with my mum at the pines today and it occurred to me how much i missed her being much younger and well. It scares me when i see her so frail and weak. It frightens the hell out of me when i see the lady who has taken care of me all my life needing care from me. And now as i get older, my mum is growing to be like a best friend and sitting down, talking to her could almost pause time and lighten my heart. I only hope she'll get better soon.

Then i went to the toilet and when i closed the cubicle door, memories just surged through me. I remember once, when my sister and i were really young and we were in the states, we were in the toilet. I was waiting for her when she started crying and banging the door and i started panicking. She couldn't unlock the door and she got scared. I must have been five and she three years of age. I remember squeezing under the door into the cubicle to pull her out. An older sister will always been an older sister. I'll always have this urge to protect her. I wonder whether it's still the same now, when obviously i don't have control over her and when she's growing up so fast. There are certain issues which i'm actually worried about but some things have changed. She's a big girl now.

I was looking through my old things just now and i found this neoprint of zenn and i. It was taken when he was awfully young, when he was still very much skinny and had hair til his ears. I was holding him upside down and he was laughing. I remember that day, when i brought him out, i was explaining to him how the machine worked and was trying to keep him happy all the time. He laughed just like how any little kid would. He was a little boy, who would laugh when i made silly faces at him. Now he's so stubborn. Maybe it's a phase. I honestly forgot the times when he was young and i took full care of him.

I miss the times when my dad was in singapore more often. I miss the times when i could have dinner with him on a weekday, or when his face didn't carry such a tired look all the time. I miss the times when we had so much time to go out as a family to do practically nothing. Maybe, it could be worse, but i've already accepted seeing him four times, having dinner with him, twice a month.

When dodie went back to the philippines, i cried my heart out. How could you let go of someone you've been with for fifteen years, which is practically your whole life? And i remember, i put this song on repeat and cried myself to sleep;

Make this ride as fast as I can
Tonight this road home feels a little longer
I hope you know that you were my best friend
Tonight I said goodbye, but I should have said more
Thanks for the best time of my life.
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
I'm wishing that you weren't a part of my past
Emptiness swallows this town
From now on I will be alone for good
Will you remember my name?
I'm hoping that I will hear from you soon
Thank you for everything
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
So please don't be a part of my past